Emotional Coaching

Emotional WHAT??

Is this something else that I've completely missed the boat on in parenting?

Yes, I felt the same way when I first heard the words "Emotional Coaching". 

What is emotional coaching?
Why is it important?
How does a parent "emotionally coach" their child?

John Gottman, a well renowned marital therapist, wrote a book called Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child discussing the importance of teaching your children how to be aware of their emotions, be able to express them, and be able to empathize with other people's emotions. This is really the goal of emotional coaching.

In his book, Dr. Gottman discusses five steps to coach a child to become "Emotionally Intelligent". 

The steps are as follows:

1. Be aware of the child's emotions.
2. Recognize emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching.
3. Listen empathetically and validate a child's feelings.
4. Label emotions in words a child can understand. 
** I would recommend using something like the feelings wheel chart at feelingswheel.com (see below).**
5. Help a child come up with an appropriate way to solve a problem or deal with an upsetting issue or situation.

As you express your own feelings, and show your child how to react to the emotions you feel in an appropriate manner, they learn how to navigate their own reactions as well. Children are extremely observant and they will mimic what they see their parent do. As we show them how to deal with frustration in a respectful, kind, and controlled way, we teach our children that they can do the same. This will ultimately teach them self control.

In the book The Teachings of David O. McKay, we read that "the best lesson a child can learn is self-control, and to feel his relationship to others to the extent that he must have respect for their feelings". I believe that this is the essence of Emotional Coaching. 

It is important to remember, while emotionally coaching your child, not to reprimand them for how they are feeling, but to take the time to truly listen to them, understand their perspective, and then validate why they would feel that way. When a child understands that it is, not only okay, but good and normal to have big, hard emotions, they feel more comfortable with the emotions they are experiencing.

Now, if you are like I am, you have some children who have no problem expressing their frustration adequately, it's getting them to express it appropriately that's the struggle.  This is an equally important part of emotional coaching. Fortunately, this is a relatively simple fix. Unfortunately, it is fixed like most other parts of parenting, by example. 

David O. McKay once taught, ""The most effective way to teach religion in the home is by example, and the most effective teaching of children is living with them." 

Recently, I had sent my seven year old upstairs to brush her hair, but she came downstairs shortly after very upset. She was crying and screaming nonsensically, which is not uncommon, as she does not like brushing her hair. I gave her a hug and said that she seemed very sad. I asked her what happened and she told me that her brother threw his shorts onto her face. I told her that she probably felt hurt by how he treated her. She almost immediately calmed down and nodded her head. I gave her a hug and told her that I understood that why she felt sad. Almost immediately, she got up and skipped off to brush her hair. Feeling validated seemed to be all she really needed.

I re-learned what I had been studying in my parenting class. When a parent takes the time to guide their child through some hard emotions, it shows kindness and love. When showing a child love and respect, it is nurturing that child. How is this different than what we all desire? I believe that a person of any age will feel cared about, loved, and respected when someone takes the time to listen to them, and validate what they are feeling. It is no surprise that a child is not any different. When we take the time to truly listen, validate, guide, encourage and love a child, we nurture that child and teach them not only how to be happy, but how to love and care for others.

This is shown by research over and over again as researchers assess the development of babies and children who have been neglected compared to those who have been loved, cherished, and engaged with. The best chance our children have of healthy development, reflecting how we love, respect and nurture them, is given through emotion coaching.

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References:

Declaire, J., Gottman, J. (2011). Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child. United States: Simon &
    Schuster.

McKay, D. O. (2003). Teachings of Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay. United States:
    Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.