Although I am only required to make three posts about what I am learning, I am hoping to write a synopsis of what I learn each week. I hope that what I write will be able to help other moms, dads, grandparents or other caregivers navigate this tricky maze of parenting. If, however, it doesn't help anyone else, I know that it will help me remember what I learn, and hopefully help me to internalize these lessons.
I have six children, and if there is anything that they have taught me, it is that each child comes with their own personality, their own struggles, and their own mind. My oldest is 18 and just finished her first year at university. My second oldest is 16, and is busy working ahead to finish high school early. She is hoping to get her Grade 12 year done in the first semester and then go on to do exams in cello, piano, voice and musical theory. My third child is 14 and is just finishing up Jr. High. She is heading into High School and determined to finish the requirements of the Fine Arts Program so that she can graduate from a Fine Arts High School. She loves music, drama and painting. My fourth child (oldest boy) is 12 and is a sweetheart (just don't tell anyone at school). He is growing like crazy and trying to navigate this fun stage where his voice cracks every other word. My fifth child is 10 and is a very sensitive, sweet, affectionate boy. He loves to snuggle with me and has a strong perfectionistic drive. My youngest turned 7 today! She is one of the most determined people I know (which is saying something, as most of my children are very stubborn, I mean, determined). She is very active and loves to do anything that she seems someone else doing. She knows no fear, which terrifies me. If she decides that she wants to do something, it will get done. Period. She is full of spunk, sass, sweetness and exuberance for life.
As you can see, I am needing this parenting class desperately, as there is no way to keep up with all the dynamics of our house on my own.
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In a previous parenting class, we studied The Anatomy of Peace, a book put out by The Arbinger Institute, which taught us a great deal about the "Parenting Pyramid" or "Pyramid of Influence". It was truly a life changing book for me and I would highly recommend it to anyone who would like to change anything about any relationship they have (marriage, parenting, sibling, friendship or anything - truly). It is from this book that I got the name for this blog (Arbinger, 2020).
The pyramid I refer to is very basic in nature. In "The Parenting Pyramid", an article about this Pyramid of Influence, it explains that in order to correct a child, we need to build a proper foundation first. From the top of the pyramid down, it follows these principles:
*In order to correct a child's behavior, you need first to be able to teach them good, true, correct principles.
*In order to teach a child these principles, you need to have a good relationship with your child. A child who does not feel your love or does not respect you will not listen to what you teach, no matter how correct you are.
* In order to have a good relationship with your child, you need to maintain a good relationship with your spouse/parenting partner or with anyone else who has an influence on your child. If you are struggling with your marital relationship in particular, your child will be affected by that and it will strain your relationship with them.
*In order to have a good relationship with your spouse/parenting partner, you need to be sure that you are at peace with who you are or "your way of being". If you are thinking of your spouse as a person with their own feelings, you have a healthy way of being. If you are thinking of your spouse as someone you have to "deal with" or a frustration in your life, this is an indication that your heart is not in the right place, but more self-focused than is conducive to a healthy relationship (Arbinger, 1998).
Of course, if your way of being is unhealthy, you are not going to only affect your marriage or relationship with the other parent of your child. Your way of being will affect your relationship with your child, your ability to teach correct principles and ultimately whether you are able to correct your child's behavior. You cannot build a layer of a pyramid on top of a layer that does not exist (Arbinger, 2020).
One of the most important principles to note is that most of the principles taught in the pyramid encourage things to go well for your child. Only the top layer of the pyramid actually deals with correcting the behavior of the child. This should reflect the amount of time that we spend at each level as well. If you think about it, this just makes sense. If you are constantly making sure that your heart is at peace and you are treating everyone you deal with as their own person with their own feelings, emotions, hopes, dreams etc., you are going to naturally have more power in the upper levels of the pyramid.
If your child knows that you love and respect them, having complete empathy for them and rooting them on, they are much less likely to rebel against you. If they are less likely to rebel, you very likely do not have to spend much time in that top part of the pyramid. There will not be much need for correction.
I love this pyramid! I wish I had learned about it much earlier in my parenting adventure. As it is, I have tried to apply the pyramid as much as I can and have already seen huge changes in some of my children. When you reach out in love and understanding, children naturally will be happier, healthier and more willing to work with you.
Go ahead.... try it!
References:
Arbinger
Institute. (2020). The anatomy of peace: Resolving the heart of conflict.
Berrett-Koehler.
Arbinger Institute. (1998). The parenting pyramid. The Arbinger Company.
