Parenting Styles

Why is a parenting style something to be aware of? 
According to research, genetics and environment (or nature and nurture) are equally important in what a child grows up to be. Meaning, no matter how great the genetics might be, if a child is neglected, abused, mistreated, or traumatized, it can completely negate any advantage they might be born with.
The way we parent our children can make or break whether they are successful in life. So, I would say that it's pretty important.

So, what are "parenting styles" exactly?

There are many different kinds of parenting styles named in popular culture, but according to a lot of research, there are predominantly four different parenting styles. These differ according to how warm/cold a parent is, and how demanding/undemanding they are.

The parent who is cold and unaccepting of their child, yet allows them to be uncontrolled as well, creates a neglectful environment for the child to grow up in. This is called Neglectful or Uninvolved Parenting. These parents set very few standards, have almost no rules and have no boundaries. They seem to be indifferent to their children and are relatively uninvolved in their lives. These parents often have mental issues, or have been abused as children.
Children raised in a neglectful environment are quite impulsive, have addictions, mental issues and struggle to regulate their emotions. These are often children that have suicidal tendencies and struggle relating to other children.

The parent who is cold and unaccepting, yet demanding or controlling of their children, create a strict environment for their children. This is called Authoritarian Parenting. Authoritarian parents have high standards, but expect their children to follow blindly. They do not discuss things with them, or reason with them. They set rules and expect them to be followed. They try to control their children's behavior, and do not show them affection or nurture their children. They are the parents who practice "tough love".
Children raised by authoritarian parenting often are successful in life, but they are generally quite insecure, are unhappy, have a low self-esteem and have poor behavior. They learn to cope poorly, and turn to drugs or other addictive behaviors. They are more likely to have mental issues and a need to be dependent on others' (usually their parents) praise.

The parent who is warm and accepting, yet allows an uncontrolled environment, creates a distant environment that stimulates little growth. This is called Permissive Parenting. These parents set very few rules because they do not like to enforce them, as they are often worried about hurting their children's feelings. These parents are seemingly pushovers for their children and end up being quite indulgent. They are very affectionate, but cannot maintain any control in the home. 
Children raised in homes that are permissive tend to have very little self-control, become self-centered and struggle in relationships. They struggle to follow rules and have a hard time in social settings.

The parent who is warm and accepting, and demanding (have high expectations) of their children creates an environment that facilitates growth. This is called Authoritative Parenting. These parents are intentional in what they do. They have high expectations, but they are also very responsive, kind and involved in their children's lives. These parents allow their children to have a voice in family matters, and they explain themselves to their children, treating them respectfully.
Children who are raised by authoritative parents have set rules and boundaries, they are given expectations, but they are supported in achieving them. They are disciplined, but it is always reasonable and related to the indiscretion. These children grow up feeling cherished. They are more independent, active, content, and successful than other children. They have a stronger self-esteem and better mental health. 

These four types of parenting are charted as follows:

In general, the best parenting style shown by research worldwide, and endorsed by psychologists and psychiatrists alike, is consistently authoritative parenting (although there are some exceptions). For example, there are some children with a very different temperament that require a different kind of parenting. Some parts of the world have a culture that allows for different parenting styles

These results, it should be noted, are all correlation based, so parenting and behavior are not necessarily a cause and effect relationship in all cases. That being said, these results have been replicated in many studies, many times over.

I had a good friend who had a father who was very authoritative. I remember him getting home from the church dance a few minutes after his curfew because his ride was delayed. He had no control over the situation, but his father was standing on the doorstep waiting for him when he got home. He was grounded for a month because of his tardiness, which he had done everything in his power to avoid. His father would not listen. I remember being upset with his father for being so inflexible when I was only 15. It seemed very unfair to me.

In contrast, my parents raised us in a very loving and authoritative way. A great example of this is shown by the issue of curfews. I remember asking why my parents had never given me a curfew and my parents said that they trust me to be honest and to communicate with them. If I was to break that trust they would feel a need to apply restrictions. As long as I had respect for them, for myself and for those around me, they would trust me to make my own decisions. When I was seventeen, I had graduated and was hanging out with some single adults that were older than me. I had stayed out until two or three in the morning a few nights in a row, and my father set a curfew for the first time in my life. I completely understood and respected why he felt a need to do that, and did not resent this decision because we had established the principle of trust in our home many years before.

I want to be a mom like my parents were with me. As I feel that it is imperative that a child feels and exhibits trust and respect in their home, I want this to be a top priority as a parent. If they do not feel heard, they are much more likely to rebel against the rules set up. If there are no rules or consequences for their actions, they will walk all over you. There is a very delicate balance that needs to be maintained. The only thing I would change from how my parents raised me is that I would want to be more aware of highly sensitive children. I was very sensitive and would stonewall at the slightest criticism from my parents. I hated the feeling that I had disappointed them. As I stonewalled, it looked to my mom that I was not paying attention or was not understanding what was happening, so she would get more upset with me than most of the kids. She has apologized about that to me now, but I hope to be more in tune to a child with highly sensitive emotions so that I can communicate more effectively with them.

References: 

parentingforbrain.com 

Emotional Coaching

Emotional WHAT??

Is this something else that I've completely missed the boat on in parenting?

Yes, I felt the same way when I first heard the words "Emotional Coaching". 

What is emotional coaching?
Why is it important?
How does a parent "emotionally coach" their child?

John Gottman, a well renowned marital therapist, wrote a book called Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child discussing the importance of teaching your children how to be aware of their emotions, be able to express them, and be able to empathize with other people's emotions. This is really the goal of emotional coaching.

In his book, Dr. Gottman discusses five steps to coach a child to become "Emotionally Intelligent". 

The steps are as follows:

1. Be aware of the child's emotions.
2. Recognize emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching.
3. Listen empathetically and validate a child's feelings.
4. Label emotions in words a child can understand. 
** I would recommend using something like the feelings wheel chart at feelingswheel.com (see below).**
5. Help a child come up with an appropriate way to solve a problem or deal with an upsetting issue or situation.

As you express your own feelings, and show your child how to react to the emotions you feel in an appropriate manner, they learn how to navigate their own reactions as well. Children are extremely observant and they will mimic what they see their parent do. As we show them how to deal with frustration in a respectful, kind, and controlled way, we teach our children that they can do the same. This will ultimately teach them self control.

In the book The Teachings of David O. McKay, we read that "the best lesson a child can learn is self-control, and to feel his relationship to others to the extent that he must have respect for their feelings". I believe that this is the essence of Emotional Coaching. 

It is important to remember, while emotionally coaching your child, not to reprimand them for how they are feeling, but to take the time to truly listen to them, understand their perspective, and then validate why they would feel that way. When a child understands that it is, not only okay, but good and normal to have big, hard emotions, they feel more comfortable with the emotions they are experiencing.

Now, if you are like I am, you have some children who have no problem expressing their frustration adequately, it's getting them to express it appropriately that's the struggle.  This is an equally important part of emotional coaching. Fortunately, this is a relatively simple fix. Unfortunately, it is fixed like most other parts of parenting, by example. 

David O. McKay once taught, ""The most effective way to teach religion in the home is by example, and the most effective teaching of children is living with them." 

Recently, I had sent my seven year old upstairs to brush her hair, but she came downstairs shortly after very upset. She was crying and screaming nonsensically, which is not uncommon, as she does not like brushing her hair. I gave her a hug and said that she seemed very sad. I asked her what happened and she told me that her brother threw his shorts onto her face. I told her that she probably felt hurt by how he treated her. She almost immediately calmed down and nodded her head. I gave her a hug and told her that I understood that why she felt sad. Almost immediately, she got up and skipped off to brush her hair. Feeling validated seemed to be all she really needed.

I re-learned what I had been studying in my parenting class. When a parent takes the time to guide their child through some hard emotions, it shows kindness and love. When showing a child love and respect, it is nurturing that child. How is this different than what we all desire? I believe that a person of any age will feel cared about, loved, and respected when someone takes the time to listen to them, and validate what they are feeling. It is no surprise that a child is not any different. When we take the time to truly listen, validate, guide, encourage and love a child, we nurture that child and teach them not only how to be happy, but how to love and care for others.

This is shown by research over and over again as researchers assess the development of babies and children who have been neglected compared to those who have been loved, cherished, and engaged with. The best chance our children have of healthy development, reflecting how we love, respect and nurture them, is given through emotion coaching.

****************************************************************************

References:

Declaire, J., Gottman, J. (2011). Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child. United States: Simon &
    Schuster.

McKay, D. O. (2003). Teachings of Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay. United States:
    Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Introduction to Pyramid Parenting

Anyone who knows me knows that I love to journal about pretty much everything. I love to keep track of almost everything in my life, and my education is no exception. Naturally, when creating a blog about parenting was an option for my final assignment in my Parenting Skills class, I leaped at the opportunity.

Although I am only required to make three posts about what I am learning, I am hoping to write a synopsis of what I learn each week. I hope that what I write will be able to help other moms, dads, grandparents or other caregivers navigate this tricky maze of parenting. If, however, it doesn't help anyone else, I know that it will help me remember what I learn, and hopefully help me to internalize these lessons.

I have six children, and if there is anything that they have taught me, it is that each child comes with their own personality, their own struggles, and their own mind. My oldest is 18 and just finished her first year at university. My second oldest is 16, and is busy working ahead to finish high school early. She is hoping to get her Grade 12 year done in the first semester and then go on to do exams in cello, piano, voice and musical theory. My third child is 14 and is just finishing up Jr. High. She is heading into High School and determined to finish the requirements of the Fine Arts Program so that she can graduate from a Fine Arts High School. She loves music, drama and painting. My fourth child (oldest boy) is 12 and is a sweetheart (just don't tell anyone at school). He is growing like crazy and trying to navigate this fun stage where his voice cracks every other word. My fifth child is 10 and is a very sensitive, sweet, affectionate boy. He loves to snuggle with me and has a strong perfectionistic drive. My youngest turned 7 today! She is one of the most determined people I know (which is saying something, as most of my children are very stubborn, I mean, determined). She is very active and loves to do anything that she seems someone else doing. She knows no fear, which terrifies me. If she decides that she wants to do something, it will get done. Period. She is full of spunk, sass, sweetness and exuberance for life.

As you can see, I am needing this parenting class desperately, as there is no way to keep up with all the dynamics of our house on my own. 

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In a previous parenting class, we studied The Anatomy of Peace, a book put out by The Arbinger Institute, which taught us a great deal about the "Parenting Pyramid" or "Pyramid of Influence". It was truly a life changing book for me and I would highly recommend it to anyone who would like to change anything about any relationship they have (marriage, parenting, sibling, friendship or anything - truly). It is from this book that I got the name for this blog (Arbinger, 2020). 

The pyramid I refer to is very basic in nature. In "The Parenting Pyramid", an article about this Pyramid of Influence, it explains that in order to correct a child, we need to build a proper foundation first. From the top of the pyramid down, it follows these principles:

*In order to correct a child's behavior, you need first to be able to teach them good, true, correct principles.

*In order to teach a child these principles, you need to have a good relationship with your child. A child who does not feel your love or does not respect you will not listen to what you teach, no matter how correct you are.

* In order to have a good relationship with your child, you need to maintain a good relationship with your spouse/parenting partner or with anyone else who has an influence on your child. If you are struggling with your marital relationship in particular, your child will be affected by that and it will strain your relationship with them.

*In order to have a good relationship with your spouse/parenting partner, you need to be sure that you are at peace with who you are or "your way of being". If you are thinking of your spouse as a person with their own feelings, you have a healthy way of being. If you are thinking of your spouse as someone you have to "deal with" or a frustration in your life, this is an indication that your heart is not in the right place, but more self-focused than is conducive to a healthy relationship (Arbinger, 1998).

Of course, if your way of being is unhealthy, you are not going to only affect your marriage or relationship with the other parent of your child. Your way of being will affect your relationship with your child, your ability to teach correct principles and ultimately whether you are able to correct your child's behavior. You cannot build a layer of a pyramid on top of a layer that does not exist (Arbinger, 2020). 

One of the most important principles to note is that most of the principles taught in the pyramid encourage things to go well for your child. Only the top layer of the pyramid actually deals with correcting the behavior of the child. This should reflect the amount of time that we spend at each level as well. If you think about it, this just makes sense. If you are constantly making sure that your heart is at peace and you are treating everyone you deal with as their own person with their own feelings, emotions, hopes, dreams etc., you are going to naturally have more power in the upper levels of the pyramid.

If your child knows that you love and respect them, having complete empathy for them and rooting them on, they are much less likely to rebel against you. If they are less likely to rebel, you very likely do not have to spend much time in that top part of the pyramid. There will not be much need for correction.

I love this pyramid! I wish I had learned about it much earlier in my parenting adventure. As it is, I have tried to apply the pyramid as much as I can and have already seen huge changes in some of my children. When you reach out in love and understanding, children naturally will be happier, healthier and more willing to work with you.

Go ahead.... try it!

References:

Arbinger Institute. (2020). The anatomy of peace: Resolving the heart of conflict. Berrett-Koehler.

Arbinger Institute. (1998). The parenting pyramid. The Arbinger Company.